In September 2005 the British design magazine Wallpaper* described the Taal Monument in Paarl as an erection to "the ugliest language in the world". It prompted Johann Rupert to pull advertising for his Richemont luxury brands like Cartier and Alfred Dunhill from the magazine.The Wallpaper* City Guide to Cape Town now calls the monument a "remarkable 1975 tribute to SA's unique hybrid language".
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, nouns are masculine or feminine. "House, for instance, is feminine: la casa'."
A student asked: "What gender is computer'?" The teacher split the class into males and females and asked them to decide.
The men decided that "computer" should definitely be feminine ("la computadora"), because no-one but their creator understands their internal logic; the language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory; and, as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The women concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because to do anything with them you have to turn them on; they have a lot of data but can't think; they are supposed to help you solve problems but they are the problem; and as soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited you could have had a better one.
Flying rules seen on the office door of a Civil Aviation Authority official:
- Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
- Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is.
- It is always better to be down here and wish to be up there than to be up there and wish to be down here.
- The only time the plane has too much fuel is when there is a fire on board.
- Survival depends on the angle of arrival. Large angle, small chance; small angle, large chance.
- The number of landings must equal the number of take-offs.
Taking his seat in chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented with a bribe by both of you." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Smith, gave me R15 000. And you, attorney Jones, gave me R10 000."
He handed a cheque to Smith.
"Now, then, I am returning R5 000, which levels the playing field. We're going to decide this case on its merits."
Bill died, leaving a will that provided R300 000 for his funeral. As the last visitor departed, his wife, Lynne, turned to her closest friend, Jody, and said: "I'm sure Bill would be pleased."
"How much did this cost?" asked Jody.
"All of it," said Lynne.
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but R300 000?"
Lynne replied: "The funeral home expenses were R65 000. The wake, food and drinks were another R10 000. The rest went on the memorial stone."
Jody computed. "R225 000 for a memorial stone? Heavens, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats. Isn't it gorgeous!"
A woman got bad news from her doctor. She had cancer.
"Well," she said to her daughter, "I have cancer. Let's have a martini."
After a few martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. They were joined by some of the woman's old friends. She told her friends: "I have been diagnosed with Aids."
After the friends left, the daughter whispered: "Momma, I thought you said you had cancer. You just told your friends you had Aids."
"Yes," she said, "but I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
DID YOU HEAR?
The awarding of prizes for submissions to Did You Hear? has been suspended until further notice. Those who have won in the past, will have their prizes sent to them.
