I desperately wanted a few days off work, but I knew my boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that if I acted as though I was crazy he would tell me to take time off, so I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.My blonde co-worker asked what I was doing. I told her I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might think I was crazy and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked: "What on earth are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said: "You are stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a few days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When the blonde followed me, the boss asked her: "And where do you think you're going?"
She said: "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Managers on a team-building exercise were asked to measure the height of a flagpole, so off they went with ladders and a tape measure. But they fell off the ladders and dropped the tape measure, and a passing engineer stopped to help. He pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and walked away.
After the engineer's departure, one manager turned to another and smirked: "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!"
Ed and Dorothy met while on holiday and Ed fell for her, head over heels. After two weeks of wining and dining Dorothy, taking her to the theatre and even a rock concert, Ed was convinced it was true love. On the last night of his holiday the two of them went to dinner and had a serious discussion about how the relationship would continue.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed confessed to his newfound love. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now."
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: "Since we're being honest with each other, here goes. You need to know that I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table and was deep in thought for a moment. Then he added: "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
Some of the comments by sports commentators that they wish they could take back:
- Weightlifting analyst: "This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm-up and it was amazing."
- Dressage expert: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
- Paul Hamm, gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
- Boxing analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
- Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
- At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
- Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field."
- Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said!"
- Motor racing commentator: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical."
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