It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane."Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Paddy is in a pub in Dublin with a number of his mates consuming a well earned pint of Guinness. With a mischievous look on his face he tells his mates: "You know lads, my dog Oscar can say two and a half words."
Lots of moans and groans follow with a request from Seamus to continue.
Paddy explains : "When I take Oscar outside and point to the top of the house he says: Rwoof, rwoof, rwoof'."
After a few giggles and groans Paddy continues. "When I take him to a big tree and point to the trunk he says: Bark, bark, bark'."
After more giggles and groans Seamus asks: "So what's the word Oscar can only say half of?"
By now you can hear a pin drop.
With a twinkle in his eye Paddy concludes : "I am teaching him to say greyhound. But yesterday, when I took him to my neighbour's backyard to show him a greyhound, all that Oscar could say was: grrrrrrrr'."
Wife: "I see you always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "Whenever there's a problem, no matter how big it is, I just look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "Aha, so you realise what a miraculous and powerful effect I have on you?"
Hubby: "Yes. Whenever I see your picture I ask myself what other problem can there be that is bigger than this one?"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets: "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man says: "I do, Father."
The priest says: Then stand over there against the wall."
The priest asks the second man he sees: "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replies.
Then stand over there against the wall," says the priest.
The priest walks up to O'Toole and says: "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole says: "No, I don't, Father."
The priest is taken aback: "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole says: "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
In a small Texas town, (Mt Vernon) Drummond's Bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from operating. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burnt to the ground.
The bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
At the hearing the judge commented: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this but, as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
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