The captain calls the sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones's mother died yesterday. Better go and tell him and send him in to see me," says the captain.So the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the motor pool for maintenance. Oh, by the way, Jones, your mother died: report to the commander," says the sergeant.
Later that day the captain calls the sergeant into his office.
"Hey, sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones that his mother had died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful next time?"
"Yes, sir," answers the sarge.
A few months later, the captain calls the sergeant in again.
"Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go and tell him and send him in to see me. This time, be more tactful."
So the sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Okay, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. Not so fast, McGrath!"
Hotel clerk: "I'm sorry, sir, but we are completely full."
Traveller: "If the president was standing here you would have a room for him, wouldn't you?"
Hotel clerk: "Naturally."
Traveller: "Well, he won't be coming tonight, so how about letting me have his room?"
An employee calls in to work and says: "Boss, I can't come to work today. I'm really sick. I've got a headache and a stomach ache and my legs hurt."
The boss says: "I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and we make love. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later the guy calls again: "I did what you said and I feel great. I'll be at work soon. You've got a nice house!"
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look horrible; I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
He replies: "Your eyesight is perfect."
The children begin to identify the different flavours of Lifesaver sweets by their colour: red is for cherry flavour, yellow is lemon, green is lime and orange is orange.
Finally the teacher gives them all honey Lifesavers. None of the children can identify the taste.
The teacher says: "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looks up in horror, spits her Lifesaver out and yells: "Oh no! They're arseholes!"
A small girl has a problem. "Mommy, if I get married will I have a husband who is mad about rugby, like Dad?" she asks.
"Yes dear," says her mother.
"And if I don't get married, will I end up like Aunt Maud?" she asks.
"Yes dear," her mother replies.
"Poor me. I am in a fix!" says the girl.
Peter: "You know, I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Can you say the same thing?"
John: "I'm not sure - what was her maiden name?"
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